Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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