Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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