So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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