my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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