if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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