I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
