PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
