My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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