peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
