On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
