girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
