I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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