By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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