Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
