the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
