There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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