Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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