There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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