i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
