The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
