my phone needs a breathalizer
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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