half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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