Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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