I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
