I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
