OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
