life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
