I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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