Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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