Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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