I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
