im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize