i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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