final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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