Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
