is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
