im about as happy as oj after his trial
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
