Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
