and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I want is dick and wine.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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