how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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