Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
