i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
