I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
