I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
