just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
