True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
