i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize