How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
