i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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