oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
