Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize