Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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