im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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