I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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