thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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