No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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