My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't put those talents on a resume
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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