Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize