I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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