I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
