i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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