it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
