I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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