my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
