only if we run a train.
done.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
