He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just cropdusted the office
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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