Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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