oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i now understand why vodka
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
