Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
