Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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