i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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