Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
